Our minds are powerful. They can turn us into whoever we believe ourselves to be, or get us to where we want to be. Sadly though, people may use their minds for nefarious purposes. Manipulation can range from passive aggression to more dangerous behaviors. One example of psychological manipulation is gaslighting. In psychology, the term “gaslighting” occurs when someone tries to convince someone into thinking they are losing touch with reality, you should be aware of the signs before you fall victim to it.

When you’ve been gaslighted, you often feel like something is wrong with you, but you are not sure why. Because gaslighting is done slowly, the victim often doesn’t realize that they are being manipulated. This post will provide you with an overview of what gaslighting is and how to detect the signs in your social life.

What is Gaslighting?

The term gaslighting originates from a 1938 play called Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton. The story is about a conniving and murderous husband who tries to conceal his true identity from his wife. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where you’re under someone’s control. Its signs are clearly seen in abusive relationships. A person experiencing gaslighting is unable to make decisions and becomes dependent on the abuser. Even after the relationship ends, the effects of gaslighting can still progress. In politics, this manipulation can be used as a tactic to preserve inequality or gain political dominance over large groups of people. Gaslighting may first appear simple–as honest, logical disagreement, but if you feel that there’s something wrong, you’re probably right. You can know it by identifying unhealthy behavior such as repeated lying, persistent denial of facts (even with obvious evidence), misdirection, and contradiction.

A gaslighter may also use kind and loving words to try to smooth over a situation. They might say, “I would never hurt you on purpose.” These words are what you want to hear, but they are inauthentic. They may convince you to let them off the hook, which is their only goal, but pay close attention to what they do, not words they choose.

What Makes Someone A Gaslighter?

For many, gaslighting comes from a habit picked up from relationships they grew up around. It’s a way for someone to deflect responsibility and to tear down someone else. A gaslighter is a student of social learning and see it as a potent tool for self-regulation and co-regulation. Gaslighters may not even know they are doing anything strategic or manipulative. They may not be self-aware and just think they are expressing themselves directly, or are prone to unflinching honesty (saying it ‘like it is’).

Gaslighting Technique Examples

Here are some gaslighting techniques to watch for:

Withholding – Pretending not to understand and refusing to listen. For example: “You’re not making any sense. I don’t have time to listen to this nonsense!”
Trivializing – Assuming that a person is overreacting for them to believe their emotions are excessive or invalid: “Why are you so sensitive? Everyone else always finds my jokes funny.”
Countering – Questioning the target’s memory. The abuser denies events that occur in the way the target remembers. They also invent details that never happened. For instance, they may say: “I remember you said it. You never remember what you say!”
Blocking – An abuser may change the subject to divert the target’s attention from a topic. They can twist a conversation into an argument about the person’s credibility. For example: “Have you been talking to your brother again? He’s always lying to you.”
Forgetting – Pretending to forget what had happened. An abuser may deny making promises to avoid responsibility: “I don’t remember ever saying that. I never promised you anything.”

It can be difficult to recognize a technique when you’re a victim of gaslighting. You can’t read them as easily as another person could. In that situation, you need support. Seeing from another point of view will also help you make sure if you’re truly experiencing gaslighting.

Gaslighting Signs

No one has the right to use their power to control someone else. Here are the top signs that show when someone is gaslighting you:

You question and doubt yourself.

Having your own definition or image of who you are is fundamental. It helps us define our values and beliefs. Unfortunately, one of an abuser’s goals is to distort this definition through persistent lies such as “you remember that wrong” or “you never did that.” The constant contradiction is so intense that the victim can begin to doubt things they know about themselves, their memories, and their own perception of reality. When someone says something repeatedly, you’re bound to believe it. You feel confused. Frequent exposure works. You will find yourself questioning your judgment and may finally give up entirely, letting the other person think for you.

You don’t feel like you fit in anywhere.

Do you suddenly feel like you’re a complete outcast or somehow different from others? A gaslighter might be encouraging this. They might confirm that you don’t fit in their group to influence how you think about yourself. Sometimes, you may just be going through hard times when you feel you can’t relate to anyone. Other times, there are deeper issues that need to be addressed with help of a mental health professional.

Your self-esteem has lowered since you’ve been around them.

Self-esteem is an essential part of having a happy life, but it can be hard to maintain when someone is controlling your life. Have you ever heard someone say, “You used to be so outgoing, what happened?” They ask this kind of question to lower your sense of self. They bring up your weaknesses and faults even if they’re not true. This continues until you’re disheartened and convinced you aren’t worthy of healthy self-respect.

You become depressed.

An unstable mind makes you more susceptible to depression. However, your feelings of sadness and hopelessness are trivialized. An abuser will tell you things like “you’re overreacting”, “you’re imagining things” or “you’re lazy.” They wear you down so much that you may start feeling as if you’re not good enough. Worst of all, you might end up thinking you have paranoia or memory loss, which can make you seek help for depression and mental problems rather than for the real issue.

You are constantly guilt-tripped.

Has someone ever made you feel beyond bad for something you did or didn’t do? Guilt can be a powerful weapon some people know how to wield skillfully. Guilt trips are a clear form of psychological manipulation and coercion. The abuser will blame you for several things, twist the truth, and turn arguments around to dump the faults on you, though you may have nothing to do with any of their accusations. They will continue to insist until you feel guilty. The best way to limit the damage guilt trips cause is to set boundaries and find a way to get them help in changing their behavior.

You are frequently let down by them.

Sometimes, the hard truth about why you feel let down is that you didn’t get to do things your way. A gaslighter thrives in keeping their victim unsure. They don’t keep their promises and their actions don’t match what they say. When dealing with a person that gaslights, look at what they’re doing rather than what they’re saying. What they’re saying means nothing; it’s just talking. What they’re doing is the issue. Don’t ignore this emotional abuse.

You are frequently lied to.

They often lie about everything just to throw you off. They will lie about almost anything, even things that you can prove they are lying about. For instance, they might deny something that just happened, then insist that your memory is unreliable. They may lie about what you did yesterday and then tell you that you’re crazy if you don’t remember doing it. Unfortunately, they can act so well that you may start to doubt that you’re right. This doubt is what they’re after. They may even deny a situation that obviously happened, causing you to wonder if it actually happened. Gaslighters are very good at leading a manipulated person to no longer be capable of telling the difference between fabrication and reality.

Your fears are used against you.

Abusive people usually use your fears against you. Scaring you into doing what they want, they will build on that fear so it becomes a go-to threat (if you don’t change your behavior according to their demands, you’ll end up alone forever). These people also often act charming to extract information from you, which they’ll use against you later on. They take note of your vulnerabilities especially for this reason. They think they are better than you and make sure you think that way too. If you have insecurities about your body, for example, an abuser will make fun of your weight and constantly compare you to skinnier people.

Your relationship isolates you from others.

They might tell you that your loved ones are backstabbing you. They will do all they can to separate you from your friends and family. If you find yourself wondering where your close friends went or why you now barely have acquaintances, this might be the result of manipulated isolation. A gaslighter will spread lies to everyone around you, making them seem to be the only reliable figure you have. This further benefits them as your isolation means that no one knows what’s going on with you. No one can help you. Because we have an innate need for companionship and social belonging, being isolated can really hurt.

You question everything (including the person you are).

Normally, curiosity is healthy. Asking questions helps us learn and understand how things work. However, questioning your sanity and every aspect of your reality-not for enlightenment purposes-is never good. Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability. Their goal is to take this away and make you start to wonder if all the terrible things they say are actually true. You might even find yourself trusting whatever they say, no matter how uneasy you feel about them. You constantly second guess yourself.

They act as if they already know all there is to know about you.

They think and act like they truly know you, right down to your personal thoughts. If you try to claim otherwise, they will assume you’re lying and may even try to convince you that you’re lying to yourself. If someone in your life consistently acts like they know everything about you better than you do, that’s a huge sign.

They tell you something is normal when you think it’s wrong.

This is one of the most obvious signs of gaslighting. If someone tries to tell you something is normal, but clearly isn’t, you need to get out of that relationship. For example, if you don’t want to take the next step in a relationship but your partner calls you a prude rather than accepting your decision, you should watch out. Keep in mind that gaslighting doesn’t exist only in romantic relationships, but also in others.

You are questioning your sanity.

When they don’t get their way even through manipulation, they may become more intense by questioning your sanity. You’re likely to be called hormonal, paranoid, or overly sensitive. Manipulative tactics can change the way people think, drastically. It may become easy to go along with whatever the person is saying, but this slowly changes the way you think. You eventually start believing them when they say you are wrong and you’re the one who should apologize.

They tell others that you’re crazy.

A very effective method abusers use is telling people that you are out of your mind. They know that if they can make others believe you’re mentally unstable, they will not easily believe what you say. Even when you try to tell them that the gaslighter is controlling you and your life. For instance, they may say that a mental health condition is influencing their partner’s behavior so no one will suspect them.

They make you lie (even through threats or abuse if they have to).

One of the most obvious signs, people who gaslight are habitual liars. They will lie in front of your face and never change their stories, even when you call them out or show proof of their deception. Lying is the cornerstone of their destructive behavior. You may not usually lie, but this person may cause you to lie to your own loved ones to avoid any verbal and or physical abuse. It’s even worse if money, health, or other serious matters are involved.

They try to turn people against you.

Because they are experts at manipulating people, they believe that those they have under their control will stand by them no matter what. They are then free to use these people against you. They might say, “This person knows that you’re not right,” or “This person knows you’re useless.” Always remember that these poor individuals are only being psychologically encouraged. Gaslighters will make you feel like you don’t know who to trust.

Gaslighting and Other Mental Health Disorders

Like most forms of unhealthy behavior, gaslighting can be associated with a psychological condition. Narcissistic personality disorder is one. Gaslighting can be a form of narcissism and sociopathic tendencies as it’s about gaining power over someone. It involves persistent manipulation and brainwashing. Narcissists are very much capable of doing whatever it takes to serve themselves. They can exhibit any of these gaslighting signs.

A lot of people experiencing gaslighting can have a hard time recognizing manipulation, let alone see signs of a mental health disorder. They might be too attached or helpless to do so. This is why support is more than necessary.

Getting Help

It’s impossible to achieve overall well-being when someone is always trying to convince you with lies. If you can’t talk it out with the person, escape is the first step. There’s no point in trying to change such a person. The key to saving yourself and your mental health is getting away from the perpetrator. It doesn’t matter if it’s a close friend, partner, or a family member. You will never make progress if you keep a gaslighting person in your life.

An abusive person is an abusive person. If you recognize any of these sixteen signs, you need to act on it. Fast. No one deserves to suffer psychological or emotional abuse–any form of abuse at all. Once you’ve found the best solution, the next important step is seeking professional help. Consult a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. They can help you go through your wounds, worries, and fears, while helping you understand your distressing experience. By receiving professional support, you’ll learn how to manage negative feelings, like anxiety and distrust. Recovery won’t be as hard to achieve. You’ll finally get the chance to heal and start a new life for yourself.